Holy Moly!

Yesterday was the day that I announced to the world that we are indeed having baby #5 and it is another boy. I was disappointed for all of 5 seconds that it was not a girl because a girl would have been really nice for Caitlin, but he is very healthy and we are very excited. I never wanted to be a mother of more than 4 kids. Mike would have at least 6 if not more and he has been trying to get me to have another ever since Conner was 1. I was bound and determined to not have anymore and was very clear to him that it was never going to happen. I guess that I should never say never.
About a year and a half ago, I was at Costco with Mike and there was a little tiny baby screaming in his mother's arms and for the first time ever in my life I wanted a baby, like baby hunger. Don't get me wrong, I wanted all of my kids, but I have never been baby hungry. Each child has come to us because it either made sense like spacing 2 years apart or like Corbin, comes unexpectedly. I told Michael how I felt and he got all giddy and said that we needed to have another one. To which I replied, "HECK NO". Only I think that I used a stronger word than that. I expressed to him that having another one didn't make sense. Conner was potty trained and we were free of babies forever and there was no looking back. Then I told him that my heart expressed a different feeling and I didn't understand it. Mike told me that when my heart and mind came together than we would know that we needed to add another child to our family. I just made up my mind that I would never tell him if that ever happened because I was done.
Fast forward to about 6 months ago.
Things really started to not make sense to me when the idea of having another baby was on my mind 24/7. I was constantly thinking about it and I was really upset. If I would be late and take a pregnancy test and it would turn out negative, I would feel really sad. Because of this, I decided it was time to pray about it. I got on my knees and asked if we should add another child to our family and I didn't get an answer. I think that it was because I already knew what the answer was, but I just didn't want to admit it to myself. I was looking for a "sign." A couple of weeks later I prayed about it again, but this time I prayed that I would have the courage to tell Mike that I wanted another baby. I knew that the second I told him we would instantly be pregnant and I really just wanted to discuss it with him and get some input. I finally gained the courage to tell him a couple of weeks later and to my surprise he told me that he was just getting used to the idea that we were not going to have any more and was considering a vasectomy. I told him that he needed to pray about it alone and that we should pray together. Then one night on his way home from work he called and told me that he felt like we should have another and the rest is history.
I have always had my life planned out. So far none of it has happened the way that I planned, but that is life right? I have no control. Heavenly Father knows me and the way things will turn out according to the choices that I make. Sure, I could have ignored all the feelings that I had had over the course of a year, but I could not deny them. They were too strong and I felt that if I did ignore them than I was making a big mistake. There is a reason and purpose for this baby. There is also a reason that he is a boy and not a girl. I may never know what the reason is, but I feel very satisfied that we have made the right decision.
I feel really old this time. I am turning 35 in September and I always wanted to be done with my child bearing years by 30. And I had Conner in April before my 31st birthday. Another plan gone not as planned but it's okay. We are really happy. Now we just need to come up with a name since I have about a million girl names but I have exhausted the boy name pool. It was a miracle that we both agreed on Conner's name. Holy Moly I am going to be a mother of 5 kids!:)

My little boy

For those of you who know my family, know of my sweet little Corbin. He is my third child and out of all of my kids has been my biggest struggle to date. I love him. He brings so much to the table everyday and can be the sweetest guy when he wants to be, but can also be the meanest guy when he wants to be. Two night and day differences in the same body, same personality. It's kind of like a Jekyll and Hyde thing that he has going on. I have never been embarrassed by my sweet boy when he is throwing a fit in the middle of the grocery store because I am not alone. Many mothers who go to the store have children that behave like my little guy sometimes. The other day I experienced a little embarrassment. We were at Maverik getting drinks for the boys. Caitlin was at a birthday party and we decided to go to Cabela's to do a little man shopping for Michael. The boys were thirsty, so on our way home we stopped to get drinks. Corbin has an issue that whatever he is thinking of in his mind that he wants and it is not available to him at that very instant, he throws a monster size tantrum. We usually ignore it but this time I watched a man getting a his own beverage stop and stare at Corbin's behavior. He had this look of disgust on his face and I wanted so much to go a smack that guy and tell him to mind his own business. I wanted to crawl in a hole because of the look that was on this guys face. Apparently if he has children they are "little angels" all the time.
Since then, we have been searching for a solution to this problem. My heart breaks because when he behaves this way he is truly unhappy and I don't want him to be unhappy. For years I have just chalked it up to him being "spoiled" because that is usually the case with my kids when the behave this way. We have tried several disciplinary tactics, but they have not been working. Michael and I have had several conversations on this subject and many nights in our couples prayer that we have prayed about what to do. Then on this past Saturday night after Collin's baptism day about 11:30 at night, Michael and I went to Wal Mart because we had forgotten some things we needed for Sunday and had a 1/2 hour to get it before the Sabbath. We decided on our drive that what we have been doing is not working and that we needed to do a complete 180* on how we treated our Corbin. We decided to shower him with love and affection and when he did outburst in anger that we would be very calm and talk to him in a manner that I struggle with because I am used to yelling or getting upset. This process is teaching me patience as well. The result for the week has been amazing. Corbin has been so happy. I mean beyond happy. He comes home from school just beaming and I can really see a change in his personality. He FEELS loved and I guess that he hasn't really felt that in a long time. Now I am not saying that I didn't show him love before our experiment this week. We have always shown him love, but we have mulitplied that by 100 now.
I was a little difficult for my mother as well. Shocking, I know. : ) The best advice she said that she ever got was to just love me and I will eventually feel that love and come out of it. I did. Corbin will too. Until that day when he can truly feel our love for him I will have to be patient and deal with the behavior til then. But like I said, it is getting better. I'm going to cross my fingers until then and keep praying for him because I know that I can never go wrong when I have Heavenly Father on my side. I am also very grateful for Michael for spearheading all of this. He was the first to put our plan into action and showed me that we can have the patience we need to do this. It is so true that each child has a different personality and we cannot treat them as if they are all the same. Corbin has special needs as well as Caitlin, Collin, and Conner and someday we will figure everything out....I hope.....Long post, but sometimes I need to vent. I will post about Collin's baptism soon.....we actually took pictures of this event.